the day squall snapped
by zhakeena
Summary: a weird dream and idea got me to write this fic. the title says it all... (damn! not good in summaries.[how cliche.])


The Day Squall Snapped  
  
by: zhakeena  
  
disclaimer: you know the drill; i own nothing of this sort; just my brain that came up with this insane, twisted, sick idea.  
  
It was supposedly a normal day at Balamb Garden (was there ever a normal day in that place? I doubt it.) , or at least, Rinoa thought so. She just woke up from a so-called wonderful dream with-guess who-Squall in it, and was ready to tackle that supposedly hard written test to take her field exam and become a SeeD.  
  
"Hmmm.... I still have 3 hours to kill... just enough to have breakfast, review a bit and, of course, visit Squally-poo!" she said to no one in particular. "Maybe I'll drop by his dorm first; he probably misses me! (or at least he'd better.)"  
  
So the supposedly-sunshine-of-Squall's-life appeared at Squall's dorm door- thingy. And knocked the crap out of it.  
  
Knock-knock-knock-knock! "HEY, SQUALLY-POO! IT'S ME, RINOA!!!" she screamed, as if ANYBODY needed screaming at 5:30 in the morning.  
  
But to her surprise, instead of Squall's groggy "alright, Rinoa, I'm coming..." a hyper, obviously over-caffeinated(not sure of the spelling... but who cares anyway?) supposed Squall's voice rang out. "YOU'LL NEVAH TAKE ME ALIVE, SLIMY TOAD WOMAN!!!" (not much of a Rinoa basher, okay?)  
  
"Huh?!" Rinoa was dumbfounded. And so was everybody else who was about to stalk Rinoa for screaming her senseless, routine scream.  
  
Conveniently, in that crowd was Quistis, Selphie, Zell and Irvine. Zell knocked on Squall's door. "Hey, man... You okay? You don't sound too well..."  
  
Suddenly, as if from some sci-fi movie, the door opened, releasing sickly, acidic, green fumes and a strangely dressed Squall appeared. (strangely dressed as in a silver astronaut suit with his usual belt around his butt, a souvenir Tijuana hat, and a pair of Skunkator boots.) "Ah, Dr. Kenobee! How nice of you to join me!"  
  
And this just creeped Zell out. "M-m-m-m-Maaaaaatttrrooooonnn! Waahhhhh...." He ran off screaming.  
  
A few moments of silence afterwards. "Now that," Rinoa remarked, "was weird."  
  
Selphie dared to step forward. "H-hey, Squall? I-i think Dr. Kadowaki might want to look at you..."  
  
A few moments of silence.  
  
"AH,THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK, FRAUDIAN TENTACLE WOMAN! YOU'LL NEVAH TAKE ME TO THIS KADOWAKI CREATURE! YOU MUST CAPTURE ME FIRST! WAHAHAHAHAH!" With that, he reached out for Selphie, as if to kill her with some weird, unearthly alien ability-thingamajig.  
  
Selphie backed off a bit, then tears welled upon her eyes. "MATRON! SQUALL WANTS TO KILL ME! WAAAAHHHH!" And she ran off wherever Zell ran off screaming, too.  
  
"........"  
  
Irvine, then, spoke up, but didn't help much. "Uh, I think I'd better... go off after those two..." And he ran off, obviously to avoid getting involved in this sticky situation.  
  
Quistis was getting frustrated. Gah! What a way to start this day! First my period comes unpredicted, and now this! Damn... of all days for Squall to snap! It was bound to happen sooner or later, thanks to Rinoa... she thought all this as she rubbed her temples. Then she grabbed her whip. (which was strange coz it was 5:45 in the morning and she was still wearing her jammies.)  
  
"Alright, Squall, I don't know what happened to you, but you're still upsetting people, and you need to be tamed." With that, she whipped the, um, space between her and Squall... You know, the usual thing she does before battle?  
  
But then, Squall froze. Rinoa shuddered. Quistis was taken aback. Then, like some sickly possessed Barbie doll, his head turned a good 360 degrees backwards.  
  
This was too much for everybody, even Quistis. They all ran off screaming.  
  
"AIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!! SQUALL'S POSSESSED! SOMEBODY, CALL AN EXORCIST!"  
  
"GAH! IT HAPPENED! SQUALL'S SNAPPED!"  
  
"EVACUATE! EVACUATE!"  
  
And the people screamed the above items, and things like that.  
  
Out of an adrenaline rush, Rinoa dragged Quistis and ran off to Cid's office, where Edea was comforting Selphie and Zell. (she ran within 10 seconds.)  
  
Rinoa gasped for air, while Quistis rubbed her, um, er, dignity.  
  
"LADY KRAMER! YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING! SQUALL'S POSSESSED!"  
  
Edea nodded as she rubbed sniffling Zell's back. "I know, Rinoa... I'm still finding the cure amongst my many volumes of white magic..."  
  
She pointed to a really, really, large shelf overflowing with old, yellowish books, with the words "white mag" on them.  
  
Quistis gaped at the books. "Gosh! It's gonna take forever and a half-day to find it there!"  
  
Edea sighed. "I know... but it's gonna be easier if somebody helps me..." She looked at Cid, who was watching Squall whip some Trepies outside. (he got the whip from the trepies themselves...)  
  
"Hee, hee... Go Squall! Ha-oh, what was that, dear?"  
  
Everybody was staring at him. After a while, he got the message. "Er... okay, dear..."  
  
he walked towards the books and grabbed one, then began to flip through the pages. Rinoa and Quistis somehow made whipping sounds, which made Cid glare at them.  
  
********  
  
"Finding a cure in those books isn't gonna help, guys! We have to find another way!" Rinoa told her comrades this, while they ignored her. Quistis was too stressed out and pissed off, Selphie was still traumatized with what Squall did, Zell was mumbling a series of un-understandable muffles, and Irvine was watching a dying Trepie twitch on the ground. (how they found out that was a Trepie, I don't know, since there were so many.)  
  
"Sniffle... I want my teddy bear..." Selphie sniffled.  
  
"pifflewimphlegoshsquall'screepyi'llneedagazillionhotdogsjusttocalmmedownbif flepompiddleypompompom.."Zell was totally freakin out. Quistis slapped his face 5 times before he shut up.  
  
Irvine just laughed at the still twitching Trepie. "Har, har! This Trepie's pathetic!"  
  
Quistis glared at Irvine. "How dare you! That's my fan!" She whipped Irvine's ass. He whimpered.  
  
Rinoa sighed. "Man! What are we gonna do...?"  
  
"Did anyone ask for help?"  
  
"???!!!"  
  
Seifer suddenly popped out of nowhere.  
  
"Seifer!" Rinoa, before anyone can stop her, ran towards Seifer to hug him. (that flirt!) But then, she tripped on a rock that was so conveniently placed upon her path. Which made Zell, Selphie and Seifer laugh out loud mockingly and nastily(a'la Bart and Lisa when they watch Itchy & Scratchy). Which made Rinoa cry.  
  
"Anyway," Seifer continued, "I might have an idea to calm good ol commander Squall down."  
  
Quistis snorted. "Oh, do you? (I'll bet it's something like let's just end Squall's suffering...let's kill him or Does any of you have a warrant of arrest?)"  
  
Noticing her 'I'll-bet-it's-something-like-etc-etc... look, he replied: "Why, Instructor! Don't you trust me anymore?" And winked at her. Quistis shuddered.  
  
Zell rolled his eyes, then said, "Okay, enough with the flirting scene! What's the plan already; we don't have all day!"  
  
Seifer snorted. "Allright, Chicken-wuss! Don't have a f***in' cow about it..."  
  
Zell posed one of his angry poses again, and screamed his usual, "WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"  
  
"Heh, heh... anyway, sometimes a good bump on the side of the head might do it. A battle will knock him out of his senses."  
  
Selphie gleamed. "Hey, I wanna battle, I wanna battle, I wanna battle!"  
  
Irvine looked around, and said, "Okay, we have a plan... now, where's Squall?"  
  
Rinoa took this opportunity to be the center of attention again. "Sniffle... for all I know, he might be at the basement and is reviving NORG right now... sob..."  
  
Everyone gasped and looked at Rinoa. Surprised that she (finally) said something that could help.  
  
Seifer took Hyperion and pointed it at the elevators. "To the basement!"... And was afterwards trampled by the rest of them, who decided to skip the chatter and move it.  
  
*************  
  
Edea flipped the pages of the 210th white magic book, still not finding the cure for Squall's possession. "Dear, have you found anything yet?"  
  
"Nope, sorry dear...*under his breath* you bitch."  
  
Edea looked up. "What was that, dear? For if you have called me a bitch, my conveniently stashed Ultimas might say otherwise... (evil smile!)"  
  
Cid's eyes widened. "Oh, nothing dear... Just that, I love you so..." he used his o-so-sickeningly-sweet-and-cuddly voice.  
  
Edea smiled. "That's good..."  
  
***************  
  
Meanwhile, Squall has just used the last of his conveniently stashed Full lives on NORG. NORG's eyes fluttered (if they could flutter) open.  
  
Squall smiled a sickly smile. (you know, the kind of smile that convinces you he's gay) "Ah, Mr. NORGeh! How nice of you to join me!"  
  
NORG was confused. "FUSHURURU! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, FOUL SeeD?"  
  
Squall saluted NORG with his oversized Tijuana hat. "Mr. NORG! It is I, the commander of Jupiter! Your comrade in taking over the Fraud galaxy!"  
  
NORG gave Squall a confused look, then began to be enlightened. (for those of you who don't know, enlightened means to understand in the past tense... i think.)  
  
Then NORG's twisted brain began to work.  
  
Fushururu! This demented SeeD may be my chance to get back at those idiot Kramers!hahaha! After that, I'll take over this Garden! Hahahah! Then, I'll take over this continent! Hahahah! Then, this world, whatever this world is called! Hahahah!  
  
All that time NORG plotted, Squall stood there unblinking.  
  
NORG recovered his poise. "FUSHURURU! VERY WELL, MR. um, er, BILLY-BOB KAZOO! YOUR MISSION IS TO KILL THE EVIL CID AND EDEA KRAMER FROM um, er, PLANET MARS SO THAT WE CAN TAKE OVER THIS PATHETIC PLANET-THINGY! HAHAHAHAH! FUSHURURU!"  
  
Squall nodded. The sickly green fumes appeared again. "Very well, Mr. NORG! I shall do so, to be a Jedi knight, like my father before me! Fushuru- whatever!"  
  
"FUSHURURU! whatever... nyeh."  
  
**********  
  
After 5 minutes of just running to the elevator, the supposed heroes of this story had finally stuffed themselves inside the contraption. Then, they fought over the B1 button, until Selphie finally pressed it first.  
  
"Ha-ha! I get to press the button! Ha!"  
  
"Shut up, messenger girl!"  
  
"Wah! Quisty, he shouted at me!"  
  
"Stop whining, Selphie..."  
  
"Wah! Everybody's angry with me!"  
  
"Calm down, Sefie.."  
  
"Why isn't this friggin' elevator movin, yet?"  
  
Just then did they realize that they need a card key to go down there. And the Garden faculty has just given 1 card key to one student in history, which is- guess who- Squall.  
  
"Aw, dammit! Now what?"  
  
"Instructor, don't curse."  
  
"Shut up, ya hypocritical meanie!"  
  
"Gasp! Rinoa spoke heavy english! It's the end of the world!"  
  
"Shut up, whiney-boy!"  
  
"Will everybody just shut up?!"  
  
"Yo, ladies! Enough with the arguin'! Let's just work this over, with a smile...(and some kisses....)"  
  
"Who ya callin' a lady, you gay sicko?!"  
  
"Gah! You perverted sicko! Getawayfromme!"  
  
"Will ya people just shut up?! The friggin elevator's not gonna move, anyway!"  
  
"Yeah, and you'll probably make Chicken-wuss here cry!"  
  
(okay people! just guess who said what...)  
  
Then they argued and fussed for a good 10 minutes. Then the elevator suddenly moved downwards. Which made everybody shut up.  
  
*************  
  
Meanwhile, back at the office...  
  
Edea was still patiently, calmly reading her 413th 1200 page book, word per word, while Cid was doing the same, only impatiently and uncalmly.  
  
Edea looked up the ceiling to straighten her neck out, after 3 hours of reading. "So, Cid, did you find anything yet?"  
  
"Nope, nope, nope- oh, wait, here's an interesting item: "how to get an evil spirit from earth out of your subject's body".  
  
"What?! Gimme dat!" This surprised Cid, for that was an unEdea-ish thing to do.  
  
"Hmmmm....' an unresting spirit from earth may sometimes get to other worlds if their imaginations will take them as far as the world they're so much crazy about... to get rid of this, one must scare it off with something it doesn't expect..."  
  
Cid yawned. "But what won't it expect? How will we know what..um... 'Earth- ians' dislike?"(remember, they have no idea whatsoever about planet earth.)  
  
Edea had a sick, twisted, but seemingly effective idea. "Hmmm... dear?"  
  
"Yes, 'heart?"  
  
"Do you still have those Chicobo underwear you got from Christmas?"  
  
Cid gulped. "Uh-oh... that's not good."  
  
(...but have no idea why they celebrate Christmas.)  
  
**************  
  
The elevator stopped, then opened. The supposed heroes stumbled out of that contraption, when they faced the supposed passenger of that elevator-guess who- Squall.  
  
Rinoa stood up and ran towards Squall. "Squally-poo!" But then, again, she tripped conveniently upon a rock that was upon her path.  
  
Squall laughed a twisted, insane laugh. "HAHAHAHA, SLIMY TOAD WOMAN! YOU'LL NEVAH SAVE THIS PATHETIC PLANET YOU CALL MARS! SURRENDER YOUR LEADERS, AND SALVATION IS YOURS! KWEKWEKWEKWE!"  
  
Quistis stood up also, and crossed her arms. "...and who might our leaders be, demented moron?"  
  
Squall smiled, the gay-type smile. "Ha, as if you don't know, Blondie! The evil Kramers, of course!"  
  
Selphie stood up, too. "Matron's not evil, jerk!"  
  
"So, take me to the Kramers, Moronette!" Squall's voice wavered, as if attempting to be normal again. But his eye twitched, and he's insane again.  
  
Selphie was hurt. So hurt, that tears began to well upon her eyes, then she took a deep breath, and prepared to scream for Matron in more than 150 decibels!  
  
Zell panicked. "Watch out, she's gonna blow!"  
  
Before Seifer can run away or Irvine can cover his ears or NORG can act confused, Selphie started screaming.  
  
"MMMMAAAATTTRRRROOOONNNN!!!! SQUALL CALLED ME A-A-A (sniffle) MORONETTE! WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"  
  
Seifer, then, fainted and stumbled onto the ground. (watch it, this statement is important!)  
  
Just then, as if right on cue, the elevator door opened, and Matron (strutting as usual..) walked out, carrying a little black box.  
  
Rinoa gained composure, and managed to stand up again. "Mrs. Kramer! What are you doing here? It's not safe in here!"  
  
Edea looked around at her children, and nodded. "No kidding... Anyway, we're here to save Squall!" she looked at Squall.  
  
Squall smiled again. "Ah, if it isn't Kramer #2! I shall beat you, so that I can be a Jedi Knight! Wahahahahah!"  
  
Edea frowned. "Shut up, kid, and pay attention."  
  
"............"  
  
Edea cleared her throat. "Ahem... Cid, dah-ling! Are you ready now?"  
  
Cid sounded frustrated. "Do I really have to do this? It's embarrassing!"  
  
Edea's face turned angry and un-Edea-ish. "Get out here, scumbag, if you wanna see your **** again!" (just guess what **** is, alright?)  
  
Everyone stared at her, surprised. But then, Cid walked out of the elevator, and everyone gasped. NORG even fainted at the sight of Cid.....  
  
....wearing nothing but a pair of skin-tight Chicobo briefs. (imagine that! brrr...)  
  
Edea smiled evilly. "Okay, a-one, a-two, a-one, two three fo'!"  
  
As she said this, she pressed the little black box's play button. (it's a cassette.)  
  
The song, "I Will Survive", played.  
  
"At first I was afraid, I was petrified...."  
  
Cid began to dance awkwardly, but undeniably disgustingly.  
  
"Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side..."  
  
The SeeDs watched in utter horror as they watched their beloved Headmaster dance as if he's in a gay bar.  
  
Selphie covered her eyes, and yelled, "Oh my virgin eyes!!!"  
  
Irvine hid behind his hat, and kept shuddering.  
  
Zell hid behind Irvine, and began to whimper.  
  
Quistis began barfing at who-knows-where in that basement.  
  
Rinoa just stood there, plain dazed.  
  
Seifer was still unconscious. (lucky him.)  
  
Edea was just grooving along with the song.  
  
...and finally, Squall, who was still 'possessed', just stood there, like a bomb about to explode.  
  
Cid began to redden as the chorus started.  
  
"I Will Survive! (I will survive!)  
  
I Will Survive! (i will survive)....."  
  
This was too much for Squall. He started screaming like a girl who discovered that she walked on stage with a hideous stain on her butt.  
  
"AAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!" Then, he collapsed.  
  
A few moments of silence.(except for the music playing.)  
  
Then, everybody ran to him and checked him out.  
  
Edea turned off the boom box thing. "It worked! According to the spellbook, we should see the spirits floating out of his mouth or nose by now."  
  
They waited for a while. Nothing happened.  
  
"..Nothing's happening, Matron."  
  
"........."  
  
Suddenly, Squall's eyes opened, which surprised everybody and caused them to run in different directions.  
  
"Oh, wait, I think he's fine now..."  
  
"Squally! Are you alright now?"  
  
Squall mumbled and grumbled.  
  
Everybody rejoiced.  
  
"Yeah! Squall's back!"  
  
Edea thought for a while. "I wonder what happened? There weren't spirits from earth possessing him after all..."  
  
Cid shrugged his shoulders. "Probably the shock of seeing my killer moves snapped him out of it."  
  
Squall noticed his clothes. "Damn, what happened? Why am I wearing this stupid space suit and this crappy hat and where's my gunblade?"  
  
Irvine replied: "We'll explain later, man. Right now, let's just get you upstairs and have you checked out by Kadowaki."  
  
Quistis noticed Seifer. "Hey, what's wrong with him?"  
  
Everybody then noticed that Seifer was unconscious. Quistis and Zell dared to look at him closer.  
  
Suddenly Seifer's eyes opened, and those sickly green fumes appeared again. He looked at Zell. "Why, Dr. Kenobee! How nice of you to join me!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
the end.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
author's notes: okay, just let me know if you liked this story, (or hated it) and probably I'll make the sequel. (which is, "The Day Seifer Snapped~a sequel.")  
  
Tell me also if it was too corny, too exaggerated or just too o.a., ok? I wouldn't mind...  
  
(flame me all ya want! show me watcha got! mwahaha...) 


End file.
